Sunday, September 13, 2009

Sorry, been busy. Also I quit.

Sorry I haven't added any stories recently. It's two-fold. One, I've been busy with a play, school, and homework. Two, the day of the last post I quit the job so no new stories trickle in. I do still have a few in reserve that I may eventually get around to posting. Thanks for reading.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Big News - I may have been fired...

...also, pretty sure my manager's just a racist bigot. Two very different events but interconnected in his behavior to me, so let's start at the beginning:

Got to work around 10:45 last night following a performance. About a half hour into my shift, a group of four come into the store, wanting to get gum, in particular Stride. I don't have any on my side of the store, so I send them to the other side, they go down the candy aisle and return to my side down the beauty products aisle: going nowhere near the batteries - this will be important.

One of them goes to leave to wait outside the store for her friends. She sets off the alarm. I'm busy with a customer so I just assume someone has grabbed something and run off, but instead she comes up to the register to see what set off the alarm. I ask to see her bag and happen to find a four-pack of batteries with a CVS security tag on them (which says something along the lines of "If found anywhere other than CVS, please call..."). She claims she bought them at a Quik-Trip earlier, but since they have the CVS tag on them she'll pay for them again, rather than be accused of theft. One of her friends immediately corroborates the story and says its stupid to pay for the batteries a second time. They ask if they can get the receipt from their car to sort the mess out. I have seen one store's merchandise at another location so I find it entirely plausible that a QT employee, out of stock of AA batteries would run into a CVS, buy some, and mark them up later at their own store. As I said, they didn't go anywhere near the batteries. And if they were stealing, why come up to the counter and let me search the bag? Why not just keep walking?

Anyway, I call my manager (who for today's blog will be call Douchebag) to get his take. He comes up, I briefly explain what has transpired and he immediately loses shit and starts accusing these four of shoplifting and, while they all calmly try to explain that's not the case, he calls the Tempe police. Even as I'm arguing that they never went near the batteries so his theory is pretty much impossible. BUT, I'm pretty sure he let the fact that these four people happened to be African-American, speak louder than my rational thought or their calm disposition. They, understandably in my opinion, grew weary of trying to convince him and left, leaving their gum and the batteries behind.

Amazingly, Tempe PD showed up within a minute or two and wound up taking my statement. In which I specifically stated I didn't think they did it because, as I've said, none of them WENT ANYWHERE NEAR THE GODDAMN BATTERIES. But Douchebag, blind to anything other than his theory that a CVS security tag could never EVER be found anywhere else, demanded they press charges.

Side note: Douchebag is the same guy who tackled the intoxicated woman a few weeks ago who I truly believe didn't pose a threat at all. That's assault Douchebag and I would really love it if she pressed charges against you.

Anyway, I pretty pissed off at what I perceived to be entirely a racist move on his part. Combine that with the fact that I recently learned that Douchebag and the other supervisor have had me doing what is supposed to be their job SINCE I STARTED, I finally decided to take a stand. I wouldn't be facing/cleaning his aisles anymore. I wouldn't stock the cooler anymore. And I would stock merchandise. I am a cashier. I get paid to be a cashier. As it is, I am also expected to face/clean my aisles in the store, whereas the day shift is not. Yet we're all paid the same. Probably largely because the store has such poor turnover and they can't keep anybody long anyway. Have I mentioned that I'm the senior cashier after only 5 months (if I don't get fired that is). Which brings me to...

About 5:40AM. I've just covered a break for the new guy. I tell Douchebag, I'm going on break and that while I covered new guy's break, I walked through some of his aisles and Douchebag needs to teach him what facing an aisle is. I go to grab a soda and he tells me to go back through foods because it looks like a mess. I calmly state that it's his aisle. He presses it stating that it's a load-day and so I need to do his aisles to. However, the only other thing I should be doing on a load-day is pulling the ads from this weeks so the day shift can post next weeks ads, which I was doing. Having become fed up with this mentality, I very calmly said something to the effect of "I don't get paid extra to do that," and walked away toward the candy aisle to grab a snack. He paused for a few seconds and followed me to ask, "What did you say?" To which I responded, "I don't get paid to do yours or [other supervisor's] job. I'm a cashier, not a supervisor." And for the second time in the shift he went from 0 to 90 and told me to leave (an hour and a half before my shift was scheduled to end), rather than, say have a rational discussion about where I was coming from or what my concerns were. So I'll be calling the store manager later to see if I still have a job. If not, I'll write up the remainder of backlogged stories and retire this blog. If so, I'm sure the tense work environment will create a whole new batch of Graveyard Shift drama.

I've realized as I wrote this that people may side with Douchebag. And I'm fine with that. I've simply grown tired of working for him. He is, in my opinion, incompetent (did you read the post about the "Do Not Bounce Balls" sign?), lazy (closes the bathroom for about 6 hours a night because he doesn't want to clean it or let the nighttime Mill Avenue crowd use it), and takes an average of 4 or 5 phone calls a night from his family when he should be working. I've never been a fan of working beneath people I feel I'm smarter than, but CVS has taken the cake.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Random - Male Ego-related theft

So a few nights back I came across a couple of pilfered boxes of Extenze. Somebody stole $80 of this male enhancement supplement.

Most likely suspects: a self-conscious guy...or his disappointed girlfriend.

Monday, August 24, 2009

People I Know - Celebrating Obama's commencment speech

So in honor of someone who visited me at work last night, I am remembering the first time they visited me, way back on the night of the Obama commencement speech at ASU. I will not post their name but if he or she wants to claim this story as their own, then be my guest.

First, allow me to briefly describe an old regular of mine (who I'm pretty sure isn't allowed in the store anymore because he was caught panhandling too many times. Anyway, Albert was his name. I first met him, Easter morning. I was on my lunch break picking up some Jack in the Box and he came up to me and the other college kids who had just finished a power hour. He had the bag from a box of wine in one hand and was trying to gather change in the other. He also kept insisting he was a spook in Vietnam, but the dazed look in his eye and wine on his breath didn't add much credibility to his story.

A few days later, he comes into the CVS to buy some liquor. Aaron Neville happens to be playing and he is impressed I know who Aaron Neville. (Side note: Add "I Don't Know Much" to the list of songs I hate hearing every night.)

Anyway, fast forward to the night of the commencement speech when, shortly after 2am, Albert comes in with my unidentified friend. Said friend has apparently been drunkenly discussing Obama with Albert throughout the evening and has arrived at CVS to buy him some smokes. So I ring them up, my friend laughs at how I'll remember the encounter (and Albert) so much better than him tomorrow and I joke that I'll remind him of it on facebook. That interaction may have been the unofficial beginning of what would later become this blog.

So this post is dedicated to you. You know who you are.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Softer Side - Drunken gift.

So I've got a couple of these "Softer Side of CVS things" stored up for when I get a dry spell of funny stories but here's one that happened last night.

A couple of drunk girls came in about 3am for some shopping. And started opening the things they were going to buy, which since they didn't try to leave without paying I'm fine with. Anyway, they finally came up to the register after about 10 minutes of perusing and munching and I started to ring them up. Then they walked back to the other side of the store to get a couple more items while I was in the middle of the transaction. Again, not a problem because there wasn't anyone else in the store so no big deal. They come back with the last couple things and one of the girls says, "Oh crap, I'm really thirsty too."
The other girl replies, "Well what do you want?"
"I don't know, I'm so indecisive. Trevor, what's your favorite drink."
"I'm a Mt Dew guy, I guess," I say.
"Sounds great!" She says and grabs one from the nearby cooler.
I finish ringing them up and they start to leave, leaving the Mt Dew on the counter.
"Don't forget your drink," I say.
They start giggling, "We tricked you. That's for you. Have a great night!" And they left.

My theories: either they felt bad for wandering drunkenly and aimlessly around the store or they were flirting with me. If the latter, they are as bad at it as I am, seeing as they didn't leave me a number or even their names. Oh well. It was a nice gesture, nonetheless.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Quote - ASU Girls

So the quote of the night last night was the following:

"It must be nice with all the scantily clad ASU girls coming in here."

At least three people said this exact same phrase last night.

Character - Cat Lady

So a lady came in last night which pretty much matched to a tee what I imagine when I think of a "Cat Lady" - complete with smelling like a full kitty litter box. Not pleasant.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Character - Ballsy Biker

So just before my shift ended tonight, this 40-something biker came into the store. After a couple minutes, my supervisor announced over the intercom "Security, scan all aisles." Translation: keep an eye on the guy so he doesn't steal anything. I go over to the family planning aisle where he's looking at female products like diaphragms and such. He gets up and as he walks away, I see that he is wearing very tight, very see-through biker shorts, and based on how clear his asscrack is showing, he is clearly not wearing underwear. A couple minutes later, as he walks down another aisle toward me, I see him from the front for the first time with a bulge hanging slightly to his left. Finally, when he comes to the counter to purchase his bottle of apple juice, I am pretty much able to confirm that he is circumcised. Ughhh! After he leaves, the three of us share how disgusted we were and my supervisor informs us that the reason she had us keep an eye on him was because she saw him playing with himself and he walked around the store. If you feel the sensation to vomit, I assure you, you are not alone.

Character Reprise - Italian Racist and Vagrant Vandal

So a couple of the characters I wrote about yesterday were back in the store last night/this morning.

First, one of the "Vagrant Vandals" (specifically the one who suggested I put sugar in someone's gas tank and shoot people with a frozen paintball bullet) came in and told me that his dad was throwing him a party at the Mission Palms hotel and I should sent any "ASU fillies" his way. I did not.

Second, the "Italian Racist" (still in the same pin stripe suit) came in, complete with black friend. He proceeded to brag about how his fart had followed him around the store AND burped in my face at the counter.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Character - Classy Republican

This happened sometime last week and I just forgot to post it so I'll post it now while I'm writing these others:

A guy came in wearing a "Nobama" trucker hat and bought one thing: boxed wine. Classy.

Random - "Family Planning" aisle

Ok CVS shoplifters, this was the fourth night in a row that I have found empty boxes of condoms AND preggers tests while working. So I have developed the following mathematical formula:

Horny shoplifters + Time = Possibly pregnant shoplifters = $100+ of stolen merchandise/week.

And here's one thing I didn't quite understand. Somebody opened a 2-pack of pregnancy tests and only stole one. This raises the following questions: a) Why not just steal both of them? b) Why not just steal from a 1-pack? or c) Why not just spend the $15.12 and buy it legally?

Characters - Vagrant Vandals

So a couple of my regular homeless guys came in for some Arizona teas tonight. And as I'm ringing them up, for some unknown reason they begin telling me what I should to people if I have a problem with them. Examples included:

---Freezing a paintball pellet and shooting somebody with it (which I'm pretty sure would be lethal).

---Putting bologna and mustard on someone's car to eat away at the paint job.

---Pouring sugar in someone's gas tank.

---Taking a ping pong ball, cutting it in half, and filling one half with powdered bleach, then putting that in someone's gas tank. According to this source, it would create a nice little bang.

I think I'm going to start riding my bike to work again.

Character - The Italian Racist

So this drunk Italian guy comes in about 3:15 dressed in a pinstripe suit and fedora with his girlfriend and buys a couple items. About fifteen minutes later, he comes back in alone this time and buys some iced tea and a sandwich. Before walking out he says, "I can't believe my girlfriend's out there with those guys. I don't think she understands how much I make. I make, like, three grand a month. But she's out there hanging around those broke-ass ninjas (substituted for the far-more profane word he actually said)."

Oh. Did I mention he bought his iced tea and sandwich with food stamps. 'Cause he did.


DISCLAIMER: I have no problem with people being on food stamps, especially in this economy. I'm merely pointing out that this man is bragging about making $36,000/year, right after buying approximately $4 of food with food stamps.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Event - The Night All Hell Broke Loose

So I think maybe I should just quit now, because I can't imagine another story topping this event from last night. Forgive this for being a short story but I didn't want to leave out any details.

Our story begins with a large Native American man quietly buying some groceries. Apparently inebriated, he begins saying things to me like the following (with utter disgust in his voice):
"I'm not like those Navajo," indicating apparently to some other intoxicated Native Americans outside. Proudly, "I'm Yavapai. Indians are from India."
I nod my head, not sure how to respond, "Okay?"
"You'll never hear a Yavapai ask for a penny, you know why?"
"Why?" I asked.
"Cause I say so."
At this he reaches into his wallet and throws something onto the counter. "Look at where I'm sleeping. What does that say?"
"Tempe Mission Palms," I read off the keycard.
"That's right. You go up to Fort McDowell? I'm a millionaire. I was born right down there at St. Luke's in Tempe. You're alright."
And with that, he left and I began hurriedly recording our conversation thinking that would be it.
He quickly comes back in and buys a Coke, a candy bar, and a pack of cigarettes, citing that there's a woman who was passed out outside the store and he was getting this stuff for her to help her out. "Women," he says.
I follow him outside to check and he sits down with a woman sitting with her back to the store in a black and pink tube top. I inform my manager of her, suggesting maybe he should check on her. The time is approximately 1:15AM. On a Friday night on Mill, business at our store is nearing its peak hour.
About ten minutes later, a Stretch Hummer pulls into our parking lot and some partiers get out to grab some supplies from CVS. Among these partiers is a new employee on his night off, we'll call him (for anonymity's sake) Conner. (Side note: "Conner" just so happens to be an African-American and the number of customers who use the word "dawg" has risen exponentially since his hiring. Intriguing)
Anyway, Conner and his party buy some alcohol. And while I'm visiting with him at the register, the woman in the black and pink tube top has wandered into the store and, stumbling around, is being followed by the watchful eye of my manager, whom we'll refer to as "Sheldon." The third on duty worker for the evening "Amy" is also near my register visiting with Conner. As I'm finishing Conner's transaction, the woman has made her way up to the register with a twelve-pack of Miller Lite.
As Conner walks out the door, the woman yells at him, possible continuing an earlier conversation or possible just showing her belligerence, "Yeah have a good night stupid fuckers."
Sheldon responds saying, "Alright, that's it. We're not going to serve you. Give me the alcohol and get out of the store."
"What are you talking about? No."
"Give me the alcohol and leave or we'll call the cops."
"Do it! Call 'em! I didn't do anything wrong!"
"Amy, call them."
As Amy "calls the cops" over our in store walkie-talkies (trying to trick the woman into just leaving and being done with it), she and Sheldon kind of dance around a display bin before he finally gets the alcohol away from her.
She continues to scream, "Just give me the beer...go ahead and call them...I didn't do anything wrong."
When she still refuses to leave, Amy and Sheldon actually do call the police, Amy in the doorway on her cell phone and Sheldon behind the counter.
Meanwhile, this whole time, I'm continuing to take customers acting as if this is any other night. The belligerent woman gets in Amy's face as she's on the phone with the police, giving a description. Sheldon walks back out from behind the counter and tells her to back away. Amy starts repeating/slightly taunting "Touch me and you're going to jail!" At this point a couple people in the line and outside the store who could see the action pulled out their cell phones and started recording.
What happened next I only saw out of my periphery as I rang up another customer's alcohol.
Sheldon tackled the woman to the ground in one felt swoop. Apparently she had made a lunging motion toward Amy with a fist and Sheldon grabbed her by the arm, spun her around and grappled her to the ground.
For approximately the next ten minutes, customers continued taking video on their phones, cheering or protesting, "You can't do that... she has rights... that's assault... you're not a cop," as Sheldon and Amy hold the woman down on the ground, one on her arms and the other on her legs to keep her from kicking. The woman, through her struggles, varies between crying, cursing, and laughing, claiming she's going to sue Sheldon and the whole store. She begins what would be the most heard phrase of the night: "I want a phone so I can call my lawyer. Bob Hirsch. Call him!!!" The whole while, I continue taking customers as they rush to make their last minute alcohol purchases.
Eventually, a couple police officers show up and immediately handcuff her. Sheldon mentions that during the struggle, her top slid down so to keep her from adding public indecency to her disorderly conduct charge, she should be kept on her stomach. She yells at the officer just to put her top back on. The two male officers inform her that they can't do that but a female officer has been called to the scene, as well as EMTs, so until they arrive she should just calm down, and stay on her stomach.
She does not.
At various points she flailed around on her back and side, hidden behind a merchandise display from my view, but in plain sight to anyone who walked in the store (at this point always asking if we were still open, seeing a couple of cops right inside the door. A couple of times, however, she rose to her feet, revealing to me the second and third naked boobs I've seen while working this graveyard shift (fourth and fifth if you count the raver mom described in an earlier post).
Finally, the female officer arrives on scene to adjust the woman's top and the EMTs arrive to check the woman out (she did hit the ground pretty hard after all). They proceed to ask if she's is intoxicated or on any drugs. She has been screaming the whole time that she was sober but she does mention that she takes Adderall and anti-depressants.
One of the officers asks, "Adderall? Do you have ADD?"
"No, I fuckin' tested outta that shit." (???)
"So do you take it recreationally."
"I want a fuckin' phone so I can call my lawyer. Bob Hirsch! I know my rights! Now give me a phone!"
"You'll get a phone call once we get you processed at the precinct."
Eventually, 2 o'clock rolls around and alcohol sales stop. But customers keep coming in, curious to hear about what's been going on (I even plugged this blog to a couple of them.)
Around 2:10AM, a couple of clearly drunk guys come to the register with a couple of Heineken mini-kegs, which I set behind the counter, "Sorry, guys, Arizona state law, I can't sell alcohol after 2AM."
"Oh come on! What could happen to you?"
"Well, I'd lose my job, get fined, and possibly arrested," I say pointing to the 4+ cops standing ten feet away.
"Oh...hehehe...didn't see them."
The EMTs finally clear her (and even pose for a picture with the above drunken, possibly stoned customer), and the woman is taken away in the back of a squad car. When all was said and done, there were four cop cars, a DPS vehicle, and an EMT transport with lights flashing in front of the CVS doors.
The last of them drove away shortly after 2:15AM, bringing to a close the most interesting and chaotic hour I have had in my nearly five months at CVS.
And then five and a half hours of utter boredom.

As I mentioned, a couple of people caught the tackle on their phones. They said they were going to post it to Youtube today. I haven't found anything yet, but if I do, I'll be sure to keep you updated. Thanks for reading.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Event - Bouncy Ball Story #2

College-age kid came in this morning with a few friends. About 5AM, he bought one of the super bouncy balls I've written about previously. He walked outside and tried to bounce it as high as he could. It's now on the roof of the CVS.

Quotes - CVS Crime Ring/Southern Boy

Two quotes from July 17

A stoner came in and asked, "Is CVS part of a global criminal syndicate?"

A very drunk guy came back in the store after having just bought some snus (spit-free tobacco) and without any provocation said, "I'm probably the only one here from the South. And I'm offended." I still don't know what was up with him.

Event - Drunken Indian Brawl???

From July 16 (with some additions to the tale),

Approximately 10:30PM: a couple of drunk Indians come into the store. One is in a sling and saying, "I just got outta the hospital. Can I get my prescription furred?" I assume he meant filled but his speech was pretty slurred. I tell him, "Sorry, the pharmacy closed at 10PM and won't reopen until 8AM.

Circa 5:50AM: They come back - still pretty drunk it would seem. The guy no longer has a sling on his arm. He agains asks for the pharmacy. I tell him again it still won't be open until 8AM. If he needs one sooner he can go to the CVS at Southern and Rural, where the Pharmacy is 24-hours. He insists he'd rather give us the business so he'll come back later.

6:07 AM: Another guy comes in, pretty beaten up (cuts on his face, swollen eye, etc.) and tries to buy some vodka. He's a dollar short. He says he has it in his car and leaves the store to go get the extra dollar. Rather than walk to the parking lot though, he goes around to the bus station, where, if I'm not mistaken, the Indians were waiting.

When he comes back in, he mentions that he was mugged the last night by a couple of drunk Indians.

***In my original post of this event, I suggested that the Indians who came for the pharmacy a couple times beat this guy up. Given the close proximity to their morning visits, I also suspect that they may have become friends and were going to share the vodka out at the bus stop at 6:15 in the morning while they waited to the pharmacy to open so they could get a prescription of pain killers.

Songs I Hate Every Night - "Wicked Games" by Chris Isaak

Have to hear "Wicked Games" every night. Let's just say the hot nearly naked woman in the music video somehow makes Chris Isaak's whining in this song so much more bearable.

Character - Annoying phone call customer

From July 14,

Dear Potential CVS Customers,

If you come to my register to check out with a phone to your ear, just go ahead and assume I hate you a little.

If, on top of that, you ask me to open your bottle of vitamin water after the transaction because you are unable to pry the phone from your ear for a second, just assume I want to hit you in the face.

If you then repeat these infractions an hour later after sitting at the in-store patio display for your oh-so-important phone call on your prepaid phone, just assume the only reason you're still alive is because I'm too pretty for jail.

Sincerely,
Trevor

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Character - Thanks Sasha Baron Cohen

From July 12,

A guy who most likely just came from the movies around 1:30am, kept repeating (ridiculously loudly) "My name is Bruno." and "You better not put my autograph up on eBay." even as my manager removed him from the store.

Update on this: an evening shift supervisor (we'll call her Mona for potential legal reasons), whom I abhor working with, actually thought the guy was legitimate, and not just a stupid drunk. She's not the brightest bulb in the store.

Songs I Hate Every Night - "The Climb" by Miley Cyrus

The first in my series of songs I hate having to hear over "CVS Radio" every night. "The Climb," I hated this song when I first heard it. Then a few weeks later, some guy told me it was Miley Cyrus. And I thought "Achy Breaky Heart" would be the worst thing to ever come from Billy Ray Cyrus. But good for her, capitalizing on the Disney audience, I guess. I just don't want to hear her do it.

Characters/Events - Music Night at the CVS

From July 10th.

In honor of my work in the arts, last night's top customers in not particular order: the frat guys singing to "I Want It That Way" by the Backstreet Boys, drunk guys dancing to "I'm So Excited" by the Pointer Sisters, and the stoners singing AND dancing to a Hallmark card playing "Superfreak" by Rick "Cocaine's a helluva drug" James.

Quote - Guy buying Cosmo

On July 9, a guy in his mid-twenties, decent build, preppy haircut bought this months issue of Cosmo. He told the other people in line he was "going to make his girl read the article on sex positions. Oh she'll do it."

Douche. I hope she makes him do the obligatory "Is he the right man for you?" survey. He'd fail.

Random - Fourth of July Mill Avenue Stench

On the morning of the Fourth of July, the stench a wet, humid Mill Avenue pierced our doors. It smelled like wet dog, sewage, and old produce all wrapped up in roadkill skunk. My manager walked around the whole store spraying a bottle of citrus Febreeze.

Event - Busted 30-pack guy

Also on July 3, a guy and his buddy were buying a 30-pack of Coors Light. The guy was already pretty drunk and flirting with a few cute girls in line (two of which were my regulars Sable and Michelle). His buddy told him to be careful with the beer because the handle was ripping. The guy didn't pay attention and when he tried to swing it up onto the counter, the top ripped open and the cans spilled everywhere.

His friend, the girls, and I started laughing. He apparently is a bit of a depressing drunk though and became very embarassed, almost to the point of crying. As I bagged the cans, he got a call and tried to explain the situation to someone over the phone, voice shaking, and getting mad at me for not giving him the beers for free to help him cope with the embarrassment.

Quotes - July 3, 2009

Occasional people ask me if it gets boring working the night shift. And the answer is yes. After the bars close down at 2am, we usually have less than 10 customer between then and 6am, especially in these summer months when most of ASU is out of session. As a result, if I haven't already finished my nightly tasks of facing the aisles and vacuuming, I can always wrap that up by 4 at the latest. Unfortunately, my shifts usually last until 6 or even 8am, leaving quite a bit of down time.

Anyway, a guy asked me if it was boring working this shift and rather than go into all of that, I said it's not too bad. His reply, very quiet so as to not draw attention to himself maybe, "You want a smoke a bowl to help pass the time?"

Also, one of my manager's tend to close the bathrooms around the time the bars get out for cleaning. As a result, I often have people coming in about 2:05 asking to using it, saying all sorts of stuff to get me to open it. On this particular night, a trio of girls came in with a guy friend. One of the girls offered "to lick my perfect teeth." I apologized but thanked her for the offer. As she was leaving, she said I looked like Robert Pattinson (who was on a few of the magazines).

So apparently the theme of this night was that I come across as a stoner.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Random - Bouncy Balls, a Boobie, and More

So we started selling "Helium super balls" at CVS. They're basically softball size rubber bouncy balls filled with helium so they bounce pretty high. While I used them to practice my juggling during the slow moments, it turns out the majority of my drunken college-age customer base can't be trusted with them. People kept bouncing them up and down the aisles, hitting the ceiling tiles and each other.

It got to the point that my assistant manager put a sign on the bin reading (emphasis on the quote) "do to possible injury to costomers and employee,s please do not bounce the balls thx, mgr" I immediately pulled the signs because I don't like advertising that I work beneath someone who by all accounts should be literate but isn't. I corrected the spelling errors and gave them to him. He came back a few minutes later with the following: "due to possible injury to customers and employee,s please do not bounce the balls thx, mgr" I again pulled the sign due to the "employee,s" error (which I had corrected on my version) and the manager gave up, blaming the computer's lack of spell check. Even if it had come back fine, I would have pulled it simply because he didn't capitalize or punctuate the damn thing.

Anyway, a drunken couple also came in to the the store last night to buy some cigarettes. What makes this couple different than others, you may ask? The fact that the woman was complaining about her broken shirt. Apparently one of the straps had come apart at the seams and she was having to hold the front of her shirt up. She was apparently to drunk to remember this when she came up to the register to pay though, as I glanced up and got a clear view of a naked left boobie. She slowly recovered, perhaps to out of it to even notice she had exposed herself to a complete stranger.

And finally, a guy came in claiming he was about to brighten up my evening. While his friend went to get candy, he walked over to me at the register, held something up, and said "pull my finger." What he held up, however did not look like a finger, but rather a dildo. I quickly replied, "No thank you." He pulled it and it made what I can only assume was supposed to be a farting noise. He then talked to me for a couple minutes and kept insisting that he doesn't drink and he was completely sober.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Character - The Hangover 2 Star

This post was originally from June 24:

"today's CVS customer of the night: guy came in at 3:45 and spent half an hour trying to recount his evening which could pass for the plotline for "The Hangover 2" - he got wasted on a bottle of Robitussin and some beers in Phoenix and woke up at St. Luke's Hospital in Tempe with his bike. He came back an hour later to ask for bus fare."

So due to the character limitations of facebook in the original post I was unable to include so of the subtle bits about this character that made him so damn hilarious.

First, I have to admit I wasn't the cashier this night, I was working on the other side of the store cleaning the aisles but I kept hearing someone cursing over at the register so I went to make sure everything was allright. He was trying to call his friend to come pick him up. It wasn't going well. There were moments of silence where his friend on the phone said nothing (I suspect he had fallen back asleep). After about five more minutes of his obscenity-ridden phone call (they made up about 30% of his dialogue while he was in the store), he gave up and tried calling his father.

The guy was a construction worker who was supposed to be at a job in West Phoenix by 6AM and it was almost 4. To make matters worse, he couldn't find his ID. He was sure "the fuckin' pigs fuckin' stole that shit offa me at the fuckin' hospital, yo. Fuuccckk." At 4, the other cashier's shift ended so I took over for her and it was just me, this guy, and my supervisor in the store. He doesn't have any luck with his father. No answer. And no he starts complaining about how hungry he is, but he still feels nauceous from the Robitussin/beer combo. Also, he's not sure if he remembers the pin number for his EBT card (food stamps). After about five minutes of trying to figure out if and what he should try to eat, he settles on some Doritos and a Sprite and, fortunately for him, his pin works and he gets the food. All the while he keeps repeating how he doesn't know how he got here or how he's going to get to work on time. He then threw in the new information of it being hard to get a job while on parole. I'm kind of wondering why the supervisor didn't call the cops or just kick him out of the store. I didn't because he was too damn fascinating but she was clearly just annoyed with him. But she suggested he try to take the bus back to Phoenix to get to his job. She even showed him the bus schedule and helped his figure out his route.

Eventually at about 4:15AM, he stumbles away eating his Doritos and starts to head back to St. Luke's to try and find his ID. And I thought I was done with him. Nope. He rushes back in just after five to grab another Sprite before his bus comes. Also, he didn't have bus fare but my supervisor once again saves the day for him. And he leaves. Finally. I started thinking about it later and I came to the conclusion that he probably got wasted in Phoenix, went to the bars and then hopped the light rail to Tempe with his bike. I assume he passed out on the light rail and some cops found him and took him to St. Luke's where he regained what little consciousness he possessed. I also thought to myself, even if he made it to the construction site, he wasn't in any condition to work. He was still stumbling around as he left. Oh well. Good luck to you paroled construction worker who likes to chase Robitussin with a six-pack of beers. I may never see you again, but may you be forever immortalized here.

Random - Death Everywhere

Between all of the magazines and tabloids with Michael Jackson or Farrah Fawcett and the "As Seen on TV" section of the store with Billy Mays on nearly everything, I find myself surrounded by the dead at work.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Characters - Raver Mom

As far as I can tell, this was the first character I posted about on facebook so I'll kick off the blog with her too.

June 21 - "let me give you an idea of a typical graveyard shift CVS customer. A mother (w/ child in a stroller) in her mid-to-late
20s, wearing a purple mesh shirt, which you can see through, revealing everything except a couple of convenientyl placed "X's" in tape."

This wasn't the last time I've seen the Raver Mom. She's been back in a few times since, always needing to take her kid into the restroom. Pretty sure she's changing the little thing's diapers. That or doing any number of drugs to get herself in the mood for her rave.

The breakdown

So I figure I can make things easier to follow by categorizing my stories. At the moment, I can break everything down into the following groups:

Characters - these will describe some of the outlandish people I have met on this job.

Quotes - people say a lot of stupid things. Fortunately, as soon as they walk out the door, I can jot it down on some register tape and post it later.

Events - the crazy shit that actually happens during the graveyard shift.

People I Know - in order not to embarrass people too much, I'll keep things anonymous, but a few of the stories come from people I knew in my life before CVS.

Songs I Hate Hearing Every Night and Why - CVS radio plays pretty much the same set list every night (I think even in the same order). These are the songs that make me cringe every night.

Softer Side of CVS - seldom will you find jokes in this category. This is made up of the people and things that make the job bearable. Regular visitors, random acts of kindness I see, people that just want to chat, etc.

Random - Other things that just might not fit into any of the above but I feel are worth sharing.

I may eventually add more categories, but I think this will do for now.

I have finally entered the world of blogging.

Alright, so rather than continuing to post facebook status updates for my tales of working the CVS graveyard shift at Mill and University, I thought I'd give this whole blogging thing a try. Over the next couple days, I'm going to do my best to repost all of my quirky little anecdotes and the new ones as they develop.

I hope you enjoy.