Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Event - Bouncy Ball Story #2
College-age kid came in this morning with a few friends. About 5AM, he bought one of the super bouncy balls I've written about previously. He walked outside and tried to bounce it as high as he could. It's now on the roof of the CVS.
Quotes - CVS Crime Ring/Southern Boy
Two quotes from July 17
A stoner came in and asked, "Is CVS part of a global criminal syndicate?"
A very drunk guy came back in the store after having just bought some snus (spit-free tobacco) and without any provocation said, "I'm probably the only one here from the South. And I'm offended." I still don't know what was up with him.
A stoner came in and asked, "Is CVS part of a global criminal syndicate?"
A very drunk guy came back in the store after having just bought some snus (spit-free tobacco) and without any provocation said, "I'm probably the only one here from the South. And I'm offended." I still don't know what was up with him.
Event - Drunken Indian Brawl???
From July 16 (with some additions to the tale),
Approximately 10:30PM: a couple of drunk Indians come into the store. One is in a sling and saying, "I just got outta the hospital. Can I get my prescription furred?" I assume he meant filled but his speech was pretty slurred. I tell him, "Sorry, the pharmacy closed at 10PM and won't reopen until 8AM.
Circa 5:50AM: They come back - still pretty drunk it would seem. The guy no longer has a sling on his arm. He agains asks for the pharmacy. I tell him again it still won't be open until 8AM. If he needs one sooner he can go to the CVS at Southern and Rural, where the Pharmacy is 24-hours. He insists he'd rather give us the business so he'll come back later.
6:07 AM: Another guy comes in, pretty beaten up (cuts on his face, swollen eye, etc.) and tries to buy some vodka. He's a dollar short. He says he has it in his car and leaves the store to go get the extra dollar. Rather than walk to the parking lot though, he goes around to the bus station, where, if I'm not mistaken, the Indians were waiting.
When he comes back in, he mentions that he was mugged the last night by a couple of drunk Indians.
***In my original post of this event, I suggested that the Indians who came for the pharmacy a couple times beat this guy up. Given the close proximity to their morning visits, I also suspect that they may have become friends and were going to share the vodka out at the bus stop at 6:15 in the morning while they waited to the pharmacy to open so they could get a prescription of pain killers.
Approximately 10:30PM: a couple of drunk Indians come into the store. One is in a sling and saying, "I just got outta the hospital. Can I get my prescription furred?" I assume he meant filled but his speech was pretty slurred. I tell him, "Sorry, the pharmacy closed at 10PM and won't reopen until 8AM.
Circa 5:50AM: They come back - still pretty drunk it would seem. The guy no longer has a sling on his arm. He agains asks for the pharmacy. I tell him again it still won't be open until 8AM. If he needs one sooner he can go to the CVS at Southern and Rural, where the Pharmacy is 24-hours. He insists he'd rather give us the business so he'll come back later.
6:07 AM: Another guy comes in, pretty beaten up (cuts on his face, swollen eye, etc.) and tries to buy some vodka. He's a dollar short. He says he has it in his car and leaves the store to go get the extra dollar. Rather than walk to the parking lot though, he goes around to the bus station, where, if I'm not mistaken, the Indians were waiting.
When he comes back in, he mentions that he was mugged the last night by a couple of drunk Indians.
***In my original post of this event, I suggested that the Indians who came for the pharmacy a couple times beat this guy up. Given the close proximity to their morning visits, I also suspect that they may have become friends and were going to share the vodka out at the bus stop at 6:15 in the morning while they waited to the pharmacy to open so they could get a prescription of pain killers.
Songs I Hate Every Night - "Wicked Games" by Chris Isaak
Have to hear "Wicked Games" every night. Let's just say the hot nearly naked woman in the music video somehow makes Chris Isaak's whining in this song so much more bearable.
Character - Annoying phone call customer
From July 14,
Dear Potential CVS Customers,
If you come to my register to check out with a phone to your ear, just go ahead and assume I hate you a little.
If, on top of that, you ask me to open your bottle of vitamin water after the transaction because you are unable to pry the phone from your ear for a second, just assume I want to hit you in the face.
If you then repeat these infractions an hour later after sitting at the in-store patio display for your oh-so-important phone call on your prepaid phone, just assume the only reason you're still alive is because I'm too pretty for jail.
Sincerely,
Trevor
Dear Potential CVS Customers,
If you come to my register to check out with a phone to your ear, just go ahead and assume I hate you a little.
If, on top of that, you ask me to open your bottle of vitamin water after the transaction because you are unable to pry the phone from your ear for a second, just assume I want to hit you in the face.
If you then repeat these infractions an hour later after sitting at the in-store patio display for your oh-so-important phone call on your prepaid phone, just assume the only reason you're still alive is because I'm too pretty for jail.
Sincerely,
Trevor
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Character - Thanks Sasha Baron Cohen
From July 12,
A guy who most likely just came from the movies around 1:30am, kept repeating (ridiculously loudly) "My name is Bruno." and "You better not put my autograph up on eBay." even as my manager removed him from the store.
Update on this: an evening shift supervisor (we'll call her Mona for potential legal reasons), whom I abhor working with, actually thought the guy was legitimate, and not just a stupid drunk. She's not the brightest bulb in the store.
A guy who most likely just came from the movies around 1:30am, kept repeating (ridiculously loudly) "My name is Bruno." and "You better not put my autograph up on eBay." even as my manager removed him from the store.
Update on this: an evening shift supervisor (we'll call her Mona for potential legal reasons), whom I abhor working with, actually thought the guy was legitimate, and not just a stupid drunk. She's not the brightest bulb in the store.
Songs I Hate Every Night - "The Climb" by Miley Cyrus
The first in my series of songs I hate having to hear over "CVS Radio" every night. "The Climb," I hated this song when I first heard it. Then a few weeks later, some guy told me it was Miley Cyrus. And I thought "Achy Breaky Heart" would be the worst thing to ever come from Billy Ray Cyrus. But good for her, capitalizing on the Disney audience, I guess. I just don't want to hear her do it.
Characters/Events - Music Night at the CVS
From July 10th.
In honor of my work in the arts, last night's top customers in not particular order: the frat guys singing to "I Want It That Way" by the Backstreet Boys, drunk guys dancing to "I'm So Excited" by the Pointer Sisters, and the stoners singing AND dancing to a Hallmark card playing "Superfreak" by Rick "Cocaine's a helluva drug" James.
In honor of my work in the arts, last night's top customers in not particular order: the frat guys singing to "I Want It That Way" by the Backstreet Boys, drunk guys dancing to "I'm So Excited" by the Pointer Sisters, and the stoners singing AND dancing to a Hallmark card playing "Superfreak" by Rick "Cocaine's a helluva drug" James.
Quote - Guy buying Cosmo
On July 9, a guy in his mid-twenties, decent build, preppy haircut bought this months issue of Cosmo. He told the other people in line he was "going to make his girl read the article on sex positions. Oh she'll do it."
Douche. I hope she makes him do the obligatory "Is he the right man for you?" survey. He'd fail.
Douche. I hope she makes him do the obligatory "Is he the right man for you?" survey. He'd fail.
Random - Fourth of July Mill Avenue Stench
On the morning of the Fourth of July, the stench a wet, humid Mill Avenue pierced our doors. It smelled like wet dog, sewage, and old produce all wrapped up in roadkill skunk. My manager walked around the whole store spraying a bottle of citrus Febreeze.
Event - Busted 30-pack guy
Also on July 3, a guy and his buddy were buying a 30-pack of Coors Light. The guy was already pretty drunk and flirting with a few cute girls in line (two of which were my regulars Sable and Michelle). His buddy told him to be careful with the beer because the handle was ripping. The guy didn't pay attention and when he tried to swing it up onto the counter, the top ripped open and the cans spilled everywhere.
His friend, the girls, and I started laughing. He apparently is a bit of a depressing drunk though and became very embarassed, almost to the point of crying. As I bagged the cans, he got a call and tried to explain the situation to someone over the phone, voice shaking, and getting mad at me for not giving him the beers for free to help him cope with the embarrassment.
His friend, the girls, and I started laughing. He apparently is a bit of a depressing drunk though and became very embarassed, almost to the point of crying. As I bagged the cans, he got a call and tried to explain the situation to someone over the phone, voice shaking, and getting mad at me for not giving him the beers for free to help him cope with the embarrassment.
Quotes - July 3, 2009
Occasional people ask me if it gets boring working the night shift. And the answer is yes. After the bars close down at 2am, we usually have less than 10 customer between then and 6am, especially in these summer months when most of ASU is out of session. As a result, if I haven't already finished my nightly tasks of facing the aisles and vacuuming, I can always wrap that up by 4 at the latest. Unfortunately, my shifts usually last until 6 or even 8am, leaving quite a bit of down time.
Anyway, a guy asked me if it was boring working this shift and rather than go into all of that, I said it's not too bad. His reply, very quiet so as to not draw attention to himself maybe, "You want a smoke a bowl to help pass the time?"
Also, one of my manager's tend to close the bathrooms around the time the bars get out for cleaning. As a result, I often have people coming in about 2:05 asking to using it, saying all sorts of stuff to get me to open it. On this particular night, a trio of girls came in with a guy friend. One of the girls offered "to lick my perfect teeth." I apologized but thanked her for the offer. As she was leaving, she said I looked like Robert Pattinson (who was on a few of the magazines).
So apparently the theme of this night was that I come across as a stoner.
Anyway, a guy asked me if it was boring working this shift and rather than go into all of that, I said it's not too bad. His reply, very quiet so as to not draw attention to himself maybe, "You want a smoke a bowl to help pass the time?"
Also, one of my manager's tend to close the bathrooms around the time the bars get out for cleaning. As a result, I often have people coming in about 2:05 asking to using it, saying all sorts of stuff to get me to open it. On this particular night, a trio of girls came in with a guy friend. One of the girls offered "to lick my perfect teeth." I apologized but thanked her for the offer. As she was leaving, she said I looked like Robert Pattinson (who was on a few of the magazines).
So apparently the theme of this night was that I come across as a stoner.
Friday, July 24, 2009
Random - Bouncy Balls, a Boobie, and More
So we started selling "Helium super balls" at CVS. They're basically softball size rubber bouncy balls filled with helium so they bounce pretty high. While I used them to practice my juggling during the slow moments, it turns out the majority of my drunken college-age customer base can't be trusted with them. People kept bouncing them up and down the aisles, hitting the ceiling tiles and each other.
It got to the point that my assistant manager put a sign on the bin reading (emphasis on the quote) "do to possible injury to costomers and employee,s please do not bounce the balls thx, mgr" I immediately pulled the signs because I don't like advertising that I work beneath someone who by all accounts should be literate but isn't. I corrected the spelling errors and gave them to him. He came back a few minutes later with the following: "due to possible injury to customers and employee,s please do not bounce the balls thx, mgr" I again pulled the sign due to the "employee,s" error (which I had corrected on my version) and the manager gave up, blaming the computer's lack of spell check. Even if it had come back fine, I would have pulled it simply because he didn't capitalize or punctuate the damn thing.
Anyway, a drunken couple also came in to the the store last night to buy some cigarettes. What makes this couple different than others, you may ask? The fact that the woman was complaining about her broken shirt. Apparently one of the straps had come apart at the seams and she was having to hold the front of her shirt up. She was apparently to drunk to remember this when she came up to the register to pay though, as I glanced up and got a clear view of a naked left boobie. She slowly recovered, perhaps to out of it to even notice she had exposed herself to a complete stranger.
And finally, a guy came in claiming he was about to brighten up my evening. While his friend went to get candy, he walked over to me at the register, held something up, and said "pull my finger." What he held up, however did not look like a finger, but rather a dildo. I quickly replied, "No thank you." He pulled it and it made what I can only assume was supposed to be a farting noise. He then talked to me for a couple minutes and kept insisting that he doesn't drink and he was completely sober.
It got to the point that my assistant manager put a sign on the bin reading (emphasis on the quote) "do to possible injury to costomers and employee,s please do not bounce the balls thx, mgr" I immediately pulled the signs because I don't like advertising that I work beneath someone who by all accounts should be literate but isn't. I corrected the spelling errors and gave them to him. He came back a few minutes later with the following: "due to possible injury to customers and employee,s please do not bounce the balls thx, mgr" I again pulled the sign due to the "employee,s" error (which I had corrected on my version) and the manager gave up, blaming the computer's lack of spell check. Even if it had come back fine, I would have pulled it simply because he didn't capitalize or punctuate the damn thing.
Anyway, a drunken couple also came in to the the store last night to buy some cigarettes. What makes this couple different than others, you may ask? The fact that the woman was complaining about her broken shirt. Apparently one of the straps had come apart at the seams and she was having to hold the front of her shirt up. She was apparently to drunk to remember this when she came up to the register to pay though, as I glanced up and got a clear view of a naked left boobie. She slowly recovered, perhaps to out of it to even notice she had exposed herself to a complete stranger.
And finally, a guy came in claiming he was about to brighten up my evening. While his friend went to get candy, he walked over to me at the register, held something up, and said "pull my finger." What he held up, however did not look like a finger, but rather a dildo. I quickly replied, "No thank you." He pulled it and it made what I can only assume was supposed to be a farting noise. He then talked to me for a couple minutes and kept insisting that he doesn't drink and he was completely sober.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Character - The Hangover 2 Star
This post was originally from June 24:
"today's CVS customer of the night: guy came in at 3:45 and spent half an hour trying to recount his evening which could pass for the plotline for "The Hangover 2" - he got wasted on a bottle of Robitussin and some beers in Phoenix and woke up at St. Luke's Hospital in Tempe with his bike. He came back an hour later to ask for bus fare."
So due to the character limitations of facebook in the original post I was unable to include so of the subtle bits about this character that made him so damn hilarious.
First, I have to admit I wasn't the cashier this night, I was working on the other side of the store cleaning the aisles but I kept hearing someone cursing over at the register so I went to make sure everything was allright. He was trying to call his friend to come pick him up. It wasn't going well. There were moments of silence where his friend on the phone said nothing (I suspect he had fallen back asleep). After about five more minutes of his obscenity-ridden phone call (they made up about 30% of his dialogue while he was in the store), he gave up and tried calling his father.
The guy was a construction worker who was supposed to be at a job in West Phoenix by 6AM and it was almost 4. To make matters worse, he couldn't find his ID. He was sure "the fuckin' pigs fuckin' stole that shit offa me at the fuckin' hospital, yo. Fuuccckk." At 4, the other cashier's shift ended so I took over for her and it was just me, this guy, and my supervisor in the store. He doesn't have any luck with his father. No answer. And no he starts complaining about how hungry he is, but he still feels nauceous from the Robitussin/beer combo. Also, he's not sure if he remembers the pin number for his EBT card (food stamps). After about five minutes of trying to figure out if and what he should try to eat, he settles on some Doritos and a Sprite and, fortunately for him, his pin works and he gets the food. All the while he keeps repeating how he doesn't know how he got here or how he's going to get to work on time. He then threw in the new information of it being hard to get a job while on parole. I'm kind of wondering why the supervisor didn't call the cops or just kick him out of the store. I didn't because he was too damn fascinating but she was clearly just annoyed with him. But she suggested he try to take the bus back to Phoenix to get to his job. She even showed him the bus schedule and helped his figure out his route.
Eventually at about 4:15AM, he stumbles away eating his Doritos and starts to head back to St. Luke's to try and find his ID. And I thought I was done with him. Nope. He rushes back in just after five to grab another Sprite before his bus comes. Also, he didn't have bus fare but my supervisor once again saves the day for him. And he leaves. Finally. I started thinking about it later and I came to the conclusion that he probably got wasted in Phoenix, went to the bars and then hopped the light rail to Tempe with his bike. I assume he passed out on the light rail and some cops found him and took him to St. Luke's where he regained what little consciousness he possessed. I also thought to myself, even if he made it to the construction site, he wasn't in any condition to work. He was still stumbling around as he left. Oh well. Good luck to you paroled construction worker who likes to chase Robitussin with a six-pack of beers. I may never see you again, but may you be forever immortalized here.
"today's CVS customer of the night: guy came in at 3:45 and spent half an hour trying to recount his evening which could pass for the plotline for "The Hangover 2" - he got wasted on a bottle of Robitussin and some beers in Phoenix and woke up at St. Luke's Hospital in Tempe with his bike. He came back an hour later to ask for bus fare."
So due to the character limitations of facebook in the original post I was unable to include so of the subtle bits about this character that made him so damn hilarious.
First, I have to admit I wasn't the cashier this night, I was working on the other side of the store cleaning the aisles but I kept hearing someone cursing over at the register so I went to make sure everything was allright. He was trying to call his friend to come pick him up. It wasn't going well. There were moments of silence where his friend on the phone said nothing (I suspect he had fallen back asleep). After about five more minutes of his obscenity-ridden phone call (they made up about 30% of his dialogue while he was in the store), he gave up and tried calling his father.
The guy was a construction worker who was supposed to be at a job in West Phoenix by 6AM and it was almost 4. To make matters worse, he couldn't find his ID. He was sure "the fuckin' pigs fuckin' stole that shit offa me at the fuckin' hospital, yo. Fuuccckk." At 4, the other cashier's shift ended so I took over for her and it was just me, this guy, and my supervisor in the store. He doesn't have any luck with his father. No answer. And no he starts complaining about how hungry he is, but he still feels nauceous from the Robitussin/beer combo. Also, he's not sure if he remembers the pin number for his EBT card (food stamps). After about five minutes of trying to figure out if and what he should try to eat, he settles on some Doritos and a Sprite and, fortunately for him, his pin works and he gets the food. All the while he keeps repeating how he doesn't know how he got here or how he's going to get to work on time. He then threw in the new information of it being hard to get a job while on parole. I'm kind of wondering why the supervisor didn't call the cops or just kick him out of the store. I didn't because he was too damn fascinating but she was clearly just annoyed with him. But she suggested he try to take the bus back to Phoenix to get to his job. She even showed him the bus schedule and helped his figure out his route.
Eventually at about 4:15AM, he stumbles away eating his Doritos and starts to head back to St. Luke's to try and find his ID. And I thought I was done with him. Nope. He rushes back in just after five to grab another Sprite before his bus comes. Also, he didn't have bus fare but my supervisor once again saves the day for him. And he leaves. Finally. I started thinking about it later and I came to the conclusion that he probably got wasted in Phoenix, went to the bars and then hopped the light rail to Tempe with his bike. I assume he passed out on the light rail and some cops found him and took him to St. Luke's where he regained what little consciousness he possessed. I also thought to myself, even if he made it to the construction site, he wasn't in any condition to work. He was still stumbling around as he left. Oh well. Good luck to you paroled construction worker who likes to chase Robitussin with a six-pack of beers. I may never see you again, but may you be forever immortalized here.
Random - Death Everywhere
Between all of the magazines and tabloids with Michael Jackson or Farrah Fawcett and the "As Seen on TV" section of the store with Billy Mays on nearly everything, I find myself surrounded by the dead at work.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Characters - Raver Mom
As far as I can tell, this was the first character I posted about on facebook so I'll kick off the blog with her too.
June 21 - "let me give you an idea of a typical graveyard shift CVS customer. A mother (w/ child in a stroller) in her mid-to-late 20s, wearing a purple mesh shirt, which you can see through, revealing everything except a couple of convenientyl placed "X's" in tape."
This wasn't the last time I've seen the Raver Mom. She's been back in a few times since, always needing to take her kid into the restroom. Pretty sure she's changing the little thing's diapers. That or doing any number of drugs to get herself in the mood for her rave.
June 21 - "let me give you an idea of a typical graveyard shift CVS customer. A mother (w/ child in a stroller) in her mid-to-late 20s, wearing a purple mesh shirt, which you can see through, revealing everything except a couple of convenientyl placed "X's" in tape."
This wasn't the last time I've seen the Raver Mom. She's been back in a few times since, always needing to take her kid into the restroom. Pretty sure she's changing the little thing's diapers. That or doing any number of drugs to get herself in the mood for her rave.
The breakdown
So I figure I can make things easier to follow by categorizing my stories. At the moment, I can break everything down into the following groups:
Characters - these will describe some of the outlandish people I have met on this job.
Quotes - people say a lot of stupid things. Fortunately, as soon as they walk out the door, I can jot it down on some register tape and post it later.
Events - the crazy shit that actually happens during the graveyard shift.
People I Know - in order not to embarrass people too much, I'll keep things anonymous, but a few of the stories come from people I knew in my life before CVS.
Songs I Hate Hearing Every Night and Why - CVS radio plays pretty much the same set list every night (I think even in the same order). These are the songs that make me cringe every night.
Softer Side of CVS - seldom will you find jokes in this category. This is made up of the people and things that make the job bearable. Regular visitors, random acts of kindness I see, people that just want to chat, etc.
Random - Other things that just might not fit into any of the above but I feel are worth sharing.
I may eventually add more categories, but I think this will do for now.
Characters - these will describe some of the outlandish people I have met on this job.
Quotes - people say a lot of stupid things. Fortunately, as soon as they walk out the door, I can jot it down on some register tape and post it later.
Events - the crazy shit that actually happens during the graveyard shift.
People I Know - in order not to embarrass people too much, I'll keep things anonymous, but a few of the stories come from people I knew in my life before CVS.
Songs I Hate Hearing Every Night and Why - CVS radio plays pretty much the same set list every night (I think even in the same order). These are the songs that make me cringe every night.
Softer Side of CVS - seldom will you find jokes in this category. This is made up of the people and things that make the job bearable. Regular visitors, random acts of kindness I see, people that just want to chat, etc.
Random - Other things that just might not fit into any of the above but I feel are worth sharing.
I may eventually add more categories, but I think this will do for now.
I have finally entered the world of blogging.
Alright, so rather than continuing to post facebook status updates for my tales of working the CVS graveyard shift at Mill and University, I thought I'd give this whole blogging thing a try. Over the next couple days, I'm going to do my best to repost all of my quirky little anecdotes and the new ones as they develop.
I hope you enjoy.
I hope you enjoy.
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