Big News - I may have been fired...

...also, pretty sure my manager's just a racist bigot. Two very different events but interconnected in his behavior to me, so let's start at the beginning:

Got to work around 10:45 last night following a performance. About a half hour into my shift, a group of four come into the store, wanting to get gum, in particular Stride. I don't have any on my side of the store, so I send them to the other side, they go down the candy aisle and return to my side down the beauty products aisle: going nowhere near the batteries - this will be important.

One of them goes to leave to wait outside the store for her friends. She sets off the alarm. I'm busy with a customer so I just assume someone has grabbed something and run off, but instead she comes up to the register to see what set off the alarm. I ask to see her bag and happen to find a four-pack of batteries with a CVS security tag on them (which says something along the lines of "If found anywhere other than CVS, please call..."). She claims she bought them at a Quik-Trip earlier, but since they have the CVS tag on them she'll pay for them again, rather than be accused of theft. One of her friends immediately corroborates the story and says its stupid to pay for the batteries a second time. They ask if they can get the receipt from their car to sort the mess out. I have seen one store's merchandise at another location so I find it entirely plausible that a QT employee, out of stock of AA batteries would run into a CVS, buy some, and mark them up later at their own store. As I said, they didn't go anywhere near the batteries. And if they were stealing, why come up to the counter and let me search the bag? Why not just keep walking?

Anyway, I call my manager (who for today's blog will be call Douchebag) to get his take. He comes up, I briefly explain what has transpired and he immediately loses shit and starts accusing these four of shoplifting and, while they all calmly try to explain that's not the case, he calls the Tempe police. Even as I'm arguing that they never went near the batteries so his theory is pretty much impossible. BUT, I'm pretty sure he let the fact that these four people happened to be African-American, speak louder than my rational thought or their calm disposition. They, understandably in my opinion, grew weary of trying to convince him and left, leaving their gum and the batteries behind.

Amazingly, Tempe PD showed up within a minute or two and wound up taking my statement. In which I specifically stated I didn't think they did it because, as I've said, none of them WENT ANYWHERE NEAR THE GODDAMN BATTERIES. But Douchebag, blind to anything other than his theory that a CVS security tag could never EVER be found anywhere else, demanded they press charges.

Side note: Douchebag is the same guy who tackled the intoxicated woman a few weeks ago who I truly believe didn't pose a threat at all. That's assault Douchebag and I would really love it if she pressed charges against you.

Anyway, I pretty pissed off at what I perceived to be entirely a racist move on his part. Combine that with the fact that I recently learned that Douchebag and the other supervisor have had me doing what is supposed to be their job SINCE I STARTED, I finally decided to take a stand. I wouldn't be facing/cleaning his aisles anymore. I wouldn't stock the cooler anymore. And I would stock merchandise. I am a cashier. I get paid to be a cashier. As it is, I am also expected to face/clean my aisles in the store, whereas the day shift is not. Yet we're all paid the same. Probably largely because the store has such poor turnover and they can't keep anybody long anyway. Have I mentioned that I'm the senior cashier after only 5 months (if I don't get fired that is). Which brings me to...

About 5:40AM. I've just covered a break for the new guy. I tell Douchebag, I'm going on break and that while I covered new guy's break, I walked through some of his aisles and Douchebag needs to teach him what facing an aisle is. I go to grab a soda and he tells me to go back through foods because it looks like a mess. I calmly state that it's his aisle. He presses it stating that it's a load-day and so I need to do his aisles to. However, the only other thing I should be doing on a load-day is pulling the ads from this weeks so the day shift can post next weeks ads, which I was doing. Having become fed up with this mentality, I very calmly said something to the effect of "I don't get paid extra to do that," and walked away toward the candy aisle to grab a snack. He paused for a few seconds and followed me to ask, "What did you say?" To which I responded, "I don't get paid to do yours or [other supervisor's] job. I'm a cashier, not a supervisor." And for the second time in the shift he went from 0 to 90 and told me to leave (an hour and a half before my shift was scheduled to end), rather than, say have a rational discussion about where I was coming from or what my concerns were. So I'll be calling the store manager later to see if I still have a job. If not, I'll write up the remainder of backlogged stories and retire this blog. If so, I'm sure the tense work environment will create a whole new batch of Graveyard Shift drama.

I've realized as I wrote this that people may side with Douchebag. And I'm fine with that. I've simply grown tired of working for him. He is, in my opinion, incompetent (did you read the post about the "Do Not Bounce Balls" sign?), lazy (closes the bathroom for about 6 hours a night because he doesn't want to clean it or let the nighttime Mill Avenue crowd use it), and takes an average of 4 or 5 phone calls a night from his family when he should be working. I've never been a fan of working beneath people I feel I'm smarter than, but CVS has taken the cake.

Random - Male Ego-related theft

So a few nights back I came across a couple of pilfered boxes of Extenze. Somebody stole $80 of this male enhancement supplement.

Most likely suspects: a self-conscious guy...or his disappointed girlfriend.

People I Know - Celebrating Obama's commencment speech

So in honor of someone who visited me at work last night, I am remembering the first time they visited me, way back on the night of the Obama commencement speech at ASU. I will not post their name but if he or she wants to claim this story as their own, then be my guest.

First, allow me to briefly describe an old regular of mine (who I'm pretty sure isn't allowed in the store anymore because he was caught panhandling too many times. Anyway, Albert was his name. I first met him, Easter morning. I was on my lunch break picking up some Jack in the Box and he came up to me and the other college kids who had just finished a power hour. He had the bag from a box of wine in one hand and was trying to gather change in the other. He also kept insisting he was a spook in Vietnam, but the dazed look in his eye and wine on his breath didn't add much credibility to his story.

A few days later, he comes into the CVS to buy some liquor. Aaron Neville happens to be playing and he is impressed I know who Aaron Neville. (Side note: Add "I Don't Know Much" to the list of songs I hate hearing every night.)

Anyway, fast forward to the night of the commencement speech when, shortly after 2am, Albert comes in with my unidentified friend. Said friend has apparently been drunkenly discussing Obama with Albert throughout the evening and has arrived at CVS to buy him some smokes. So I ring them up, my friend laughs at how I'll remember the encounter (and Albert) so much better than him tomorrow and I joke that I'll remind him of it on facebook. That interaction may have been the unofficial beginning of what would later become this blog.

So this post is dedicated to you. You know who you are.

Softer Side - Drunken gift.

So I've got a couple of these "Softer Side of CVS things" stored up for when I get a dry spell of funny stories but here's one that happened last night.

A couple of drunk girls came in about 3am for some shopping. And started opening the things they were going to buy, which since they didn't try to leave without paying I'm fine with. Anyway, they finally came up to the register after about 10 minutes of perusing and munching and I started to ring them up. Then they walked back to the other side of the store to get a couple more items while I was in the middle of the transaction. Again, not a problem because there wasn't anyone else in the store so no big deal. They come back with the last couple things and one of the girls says, "Oh crap, I'm really thirsty too."
The other girl replies, "Well what do you want?"
"I don't know, I'm so indecisive. Trevor, what's your favorite drink."
"I'm a Mt Dew guy, I guess," I say.
"Sounds great!" She says and grabs one from the nearby cooler.
I finish ringing them up and they start to leave, leaving the Mt Dew on the counter.
"Don't forget your drink," I say.
They start giggling, "We tricked you. That's for you. Have a great night!" And they left.

My theories: either they felt bad for wandering drunkenly and aimlessly around the store or they were flirting with me. If the latter, they are as bad at it as I am, seeing as they didn't leave me a number or even their names. Oh well. It was a nice gesture, nonetheless.

Quote - ASU Girls

So the quote of the night last night was the following:

"It must be nice with all the scantily clad ASU girls coming in here."

At least three people said this exact same phrase last night.

Character - Cat Lady

So a lady came in last night which pretty much matched to a tee what I imagine when I think of a "Cat Lady" - complete with smelling like a full kitty litter box. Not pleasant.

Character - Ballsy Biker

So just before my shift ended tonight, this 40-something biker came into the store. After a couple minutes, my supervisor announced over the intercom "Security, scan all aisles." Translation: keep an eye on the guy so he doesn't steal anything. I go over to the family planning aisle where he's looking at female products like diaphragms and such. He gets up and as he walks away, I see that he is wearing very tight, very see-through biker shorts, and based on how clear his asscrack is showing, he is clearly not wearing underwear. A couple minutes later, as he walks down another aisle toward me, I see him from the front for the first time with a bulge hanging slightly to his left. Finally, when he comes to the counter to purchase his bottle of apple juice, I am pretty much able to confirm that he is circumcised. Ughhh! After he leaves, the three of us share how disgusted we were and my supervisor informs us that the reason she had us keep an eye on him was because she saw him playing with himself and he walked around the store. If you feel the sensation to vomit, I assure you, you are not alone.

Character Reprise - Italian Racist and Vagrant Vandal

So a couple of the characters I wrote about yesterday were back in the store last night/this morning.

First, one of the "Vagrant Vandals" (specifically the one who suggested I put sugar in someone's gas tank and shoot people with a frozen paintball bullet) came in and told me that his dad was throwing him a party at the Mission Palms hotel and I should sent any "ASU fillies" his way. I did not.

Second, the "Italian Racist" (still in the same pin stripe suit) came in, complete with black friend. He proceeded to brag about how his fart had followed him around the store AND burped in my face at the counter.

Character - Classy Republican

This happened sometime last week and I just forgot to post it so I'll post it now while I'm writing these others:

A guy came in wearing a "Nobama" trucker hat and bought one thing: boxed wine. Classy.

Random - "Family Planning" aisle

Ok CVS shoplifters, this was the fourth night in a row that I have found empty boxes of condoms AND preggers tests while working. So I have developed the following mathematical formula:

Horny shoplifters + Time = Possibly pregnant shoplifters = $100+ of stolen merchandise/week.

And here's one thing I didn't quite understand. Somebody opened a 2-pack of pregnancy tests and only stole one. This raises the following questions: a) Why not just steal both of them? b) Why not just steal from a 1-pack? or c) Why not just spend the $15.12 and buy it legally?

Characters - Vagrant Vandals

So a couple of my regular homeless guys came in for some Arizona teas tonight. And as I'm ringing them up, for some unknown reason they begin telling me what I should to people if I have a problem with them. Examples included:

---Freezing a paintball pellet and shooting somebody with it (which I'm pretty sure would be lethal).

---Putting bologna and mustard on someone's car to eat away at the paint job.

---Pouring sugar in someone's gas tank.

---Taking a ping pong ball, cutting it in half, and filling one half with powdered bleach, then putting that in someone's gas tank. According to this source, it would create a nice little bang.

I think I'm going to start riding my bike to work again.

Character - The Italian Racist

So this drunk Italian guy comes in about 3:15 dressed in a pinstripe suit and fedora with his girlfriend and buys a couple items. About fifteen minutes later, he comes back in alone this time and buys some iced tea and a sandwich. Before walking out he says, "I can't believe my girlfriend's out there with those guys. I don't think she understands how much I make. I make, like, three grand a month. But she's out there hanging around those broke-ass ninjas (substituted for the far-more profane word he actually said)."

Oh. Did I mention he bought his iced tea and sandwich with food stamps. 'Cause he did.


DISCLAIMER: I have no problem with people being on food stamps, especially in this economy. I'm merely pointing out that this man is bragging about making $36,000/year, right after buying approximately $4 of food with food stamps.

Event - The Night All Hell Broke Loose

So I think maybe I should just quit now, because I can't imagine another story topping this event from last night. Forgive this for being a short story but I didn't want to leave out any details.

Our story begins with a large Native American man quietly buying some groceries. Apparently inebriated, he begins saying things to me like the following (with utter disgust in his voice):
"I'm not like those Navajo," indicating apparently to some other intoxicated Native Americans outside. Proudly, "I'm Yavapai. Indians are from India."
I nod my head, not sure how to respond, "Okay?"
"You'll never hear a Yavapai ask for a penny, you know why?"
"Why?" I asked.
"Cause I say so."
At this he reaches into his wallet and throws something onto the counter. "Look at where I'm sleeping. What does that say?"
"Tempe Mission Palms," I read off the keycard.
"That's right. You go up to Fort McDowell? I'm a millionaire. I was born right down there at St. Luke's in Tempe. You're alright."
And with that, he left and I began hurriedly recording our conversation thinking that would be it.
He quickly comes back in and buys a Coke, a candy bar, and a pack of cigarettes, citing that there's a woman who was passed out outside the store and he was getting this stuff for her to help her out. "Women," he says.
I follow him outside to check and he sits down with a woman sitting with her back to the store in a black and pink tube top. I inform my manager of her, suggesting maybe he should check on her. The time is approximately 1:15AM. On a Friday night on Mill, business at our store is nearing its peak hour.
About ten minutes later, a Stretch Hummer pulls into our parking lot and some partiers get out to grab some supplies from CVS. Among these partiers is a new employee on his night off, we'll call him (for anonymity's sake) Conner. (Side note: "Conner" just so happens to be an African-American and the number of customers who use the word "dawg" has risen exponentially since his hiring. Intriguing)
Anyway, Conner and his party buy some alcohol. And while I'm visiting with him at the register, the woman in the black and pink tube top has wandered into the store and, stumbling around, is being followed by the watchful eye of my manager, whom we'll refer to as "Sheldon." The third on duty worker for the evening "Amy" is also near my register visiting with Conner. As I'm finishing Conner's transaction, the woman has made her way up to the register with a twelve-pack of Miller Lite.
As Conner walks out the door, the woman yells at him, possible continuing an earlier conversation or possible just showing her belligerence, "Yeah have a good night stupid fuckers."
Sheldon responds saying, "Alright, that's it. We're not going to serve you. Give me the alcohol and get out of the store."
"What are you talking about? No."
"Give me the alcohol and leave or we'll call the cops."
"Do it! Call 'em! I didn't do anything wrong!"
"Amy, call them."
As Amy "calls the cops" over our in store walkie-talkies (trying to trick the woman into just leaving and being done with it), she and Sheldon kind of dance around a display bin before he finally gets the alcohol away from her.
She continues to scream, "Just give me the beer...go ahead and call them...I didn't do anything wrong."
When she still refuses to leave, Amy and Sheldon actually do call the police, Amy in the doorway on her cell phone and Sheldon behind the counter.
Meanwhile, this whole time, I'm continuing to take customers acting as if this is any other night. The belligerent woman gets in Amy's face as she's on the phone with the police, giving a description. Sheldon walks back out from behind the counter and tells her to back away. Amy starts repeating/slightly taunting "Touch me and you're going to jail!" At this point a couple people in the line and outside the store who could see the action pulled out their cell phones and started recording.
What happened next I only saw out of my periphery as I rang up another customer's alcohol.
Sheldon tackled the woman to the ground in one felt swoop. Apparently she had made a lunging motion toward Amy with a fist and Sheldon grabbed her by the arm, spun her around and grappled her to the ground.
For approximately the next ten minutes, customers continued taking video on their phones, cheering or protesting, "You can't do that... she has rights... that's assault... you're not a cop," as Sheldon and Amy hold the woman down on the ground, one on her arms and the other on her legs to keep her from kicking. The woman, through her struggles, varies between crying, cursing, and laughing, claiming she's going to sue Sheldon and the whole store. She begins what would be the most heard phrase of the night: "I want a phone so I can call my lawyer. Bob Hirsch. Call him!!!" The whole while, I continue taking customers as they rush to make their last minute alcohol purchases.
Eventually, a couple police officers show up and immediately handcuff her. Sheldon mentions that during the struggle, her top slid down so to keep her from adding public indecency to her disorderly conduct charge, she should be kept on her stomach. She yells at the officer just to put her top back on. The two male officers inform her that they can't do that but a female officer has been called to the scene, as well as EMTs, so until they arrive she should just calm down, and stay on her stomach.
She does not.
At various points she flailed around on her back and side, hidden behind a merchandise display from my view, but in plain sight to anyone who walked in the store (at this point always asking if we were still open, seeing a couple of cops right inside the door. A couple of times, however, she rose to her feet, revealing to me the second and third naked boobs I've seen while working this graveyard shift (fourth and fifth if you count the raver mom described in an earlier post).
Finally, the female officer arrives on scene to adjust the woman's top and the EMTs arrive to check the woman out (she did hit the ground pretty hard after all). They proceed to ask if she's is intoxicated or on any drugs. She has been screaming the whole time that she was sober but she does mention that she takes Adderall and anti-depressants.
One of the officers asks, "Adderall? Do you have ADD?"
"No, I fuckin' tested outta that shit." (???)
"So do you take it recreationally."
"I want a fuckin' phone so I can call my lawyer. Bob Hirsch! I know my rights! Now give me a phone!"
"You'll get a phone call once we get you processed at the precinct."
Eventually, 2 o'clock rolls around and alcohol sales stop. But customers keep coming in, curious to hear about what's been going on (I even plugged this blog to a couple of them.)
Around 2:10AM, a couple of clearly drunk guys come to the register with a couple of Heineken mini-kegs, which I set behind the counter, "Sorry, guys, Arizona state law, I can't sell alcohol after 2AM."
"Oh come on! What could happen to you?"
"Well, I'd lose my job, get fined, and possibly arrested," I say pointing to the 4+ cops standing ten feet away.
"Oh...hehehe...didn't see them."
The EMTs finally clear her (and even pose for a picture with the above drunken, possibly stoned customer), and the woman is taken away in the back of a squad car. When all was said and done, there were four cop cars, a DPS vehicle, and an EMT transport with lights flashing in front of the CVS doors.
The last of them drove away shortly after 2:15AM, bringing to a close the most interesting and chaotic hour I have had in my nearly five months at CVS.
And then five and a half hours of utter boredom.

As I mentioned, a couple of people caught the tackle on their phones. They said they were going to post it to Youtube today. I haven't found anything yet, but if I do, I'll be sure to keep you updated. Thanks for reading.